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Posts from the ‘The Bully’ Category

Just Say It

Just Say It

The day was overcast.  I sat at my desk with the overhead light on while I wrote at my computer. My husband had gone on errands. When he came in, he walked over and flipped off  the light.

That felt offensive to me. I’d turned the light on and felt he should have checked with me before turning it off.

I tapped into my feelings about that, looked at him and said something like. I turned the light on because I wanted it on.

He said well, you don’t need it, but he flipped it back on because he realized it wasn’t his place to  turn it off on me without at least asking my permission.

To me, that was my decision to make–whether I needed it or not, and I  was able to “just say it.” because I’ve worked so hard on doing that. It doesn’t matter whether the other gets upset over it or not–that is up to them since I am not responsible for their feelings. I am responsible to claim what I need to claim and to say it without personal attack of the other.

Sometimes I think the most difficult thing to do is to bring up a topic of controversy or deep feeling. I find the best thing for me to do is to just say it–without the heat that can build up over deep emotional issues. And trust the process.

For whatever it’s worth, I have learned, and continue to learn, instead of being too fearful to just say what I need to say to another person, to listen to that inner voice AT THE TIME I feel it in my gut, my chest, my wherever. Then, instead of building up heat in order to be able to say it, I tap into that feeling, that truth, and identify it quickly, then just say it much like I’d give the weather report. Like,  say the sun is shining.

I’ve been asked what makes me  able to do that because most of us really struggle with that. I admit, that has not always been my reaction.

I do understand. Few of us can do that–say what we are feeling in a non-emtional way. It has taken me years to identify and to learn how to just say it, and say it at the moment of the interchange.

It takes tuning into your body and making a quick assessment, and then, saying just that.

In a particular job, I began to realize that a road sign would sometimes surface in my intuition, telling me to stop long enough to pay attention to that intuitive feeing, and in my haste, I had ignored it and gone on with what I was doing. Then, later, what I had ignored would come back and bite me in the butt. Such as a purchase order I approved without questioning the person further who had submitted it. Sure enough, it would get stopped by my boss and he’d send it back to me disapproved, or with questions.

So I began to pay closer attention to my intuition, I began to analyze the feeling–identify where in my body I felt it, ascribe a color to it, then understand the meaning behind the color. (I have a number of books on Colorology–another good thing to learn more about–powerful work!)

After doing that, and putting the physical location (Chakra!!!!) of the feeling in perspective, and understanding that feeling related to the color, I began to understand what my body was telling me about any given situation. Why I was reacting the way I did.

As I did that, I began to learn that if THAT is what I said, then I could describe it at the time–as if describing the weather, because it was an organic reaction. I had allowed my body to speak to me–understand the feeling, and then just say it at the moment in a non-attacking manner or tone.

You know how, when later you wished you’d said how you felt at a given situation? By learning to just say it  at the very moment of the interchange when you first feel it in your body you develop a healthier relationship with the other. And, you do it before the discomfort does physical and emotional damage.

Quickly check in with your body, identify the feeling, and then just say it.

It is amazing what our bodies will tell us–IS TELLING US–yet we stuff it down, ignore it, deny it, postpone it, and then think later–oh I wish I’d said that. This process gives me an opportunity to process all of that almost instantaneously, and the more I do it, the faster I can do it–at the very moment.

The key is learning to just say it — BEFORE the anxiety or hurt feelings build. For instance, where in your body do you feel the put downs or the criticisms another person might dish out?

What color is it? What does it feel like? A twinge, a sharp knife, like a drowning? Now, quickly give thanks for your body’s messages to you, then, just say it. For instance:

(All of this verbage below is said calmly, unemotionally, as if, “the weather has been cold today, or maybe it will rain tomorrow, or….)

Perhaps–“I feel like a child when you constantly criticize me. That is abusive. I am not a child and I will no longer be treated like one.”

This way, our message is clear, we take a stand for our selves without attacking the other person. We claim it for ourself. Then stand.

Just Say It

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lipsticks and Strong Women

What is the connection between lipsticks and strong women? Think there is none? Well, actually there is–and other women as well.

Today, Writing Strong Women departs from the serious, to the more fun part of being a strong woman, and that is…

You guessed it—lipstick

(Remember, Baubo, the Belly Goddess often drops by for a visit wherever women gather. So—have fun with this today—and you just might want to take it seriously, too! Likely she didn’t wear lipstick, but she was most definitely a strong woman.)

Several years ago, my sister passed me a sheet of paper that compared women’s personalities with the shapes of their tube of lipstick. Since I lost the paper years ago, I decided to surf the web today and see if I could find research on that topic. This is what I found—borrowed from the website at Healthy Happy Love Relationships.

“According to one test, the shape of a woman’s lipstick tip can tell a lot about her personality! Use this chart and see if you fit one of the types described. If nothing else, it is good for some fun.

1. Stays close to original tip slant• Abides by the rules • Great follower • Does not like too much attention • A little self-conscious • Somewhat reserved • Likes a schedule • May occasionally color hair to attract attention.

 

 

 

2. Rounded, smooth tip• Easy going • Peacemaker • Even-tempered • Steady Likable • Generous

 

 

 

 

3. Sharp-angled tip Opinionated • High-spirited • Dislikes schedules • Selective of friends • Outgoing • Likes attention • Argumentative

 

 

4. Sharp-angled, curved tip• Creative • Enthusiastic • Energetic • Talkative • Loves attention • Falls in love easily • Helpful • Needs schedule, but dislikes one.

 

 

5. Tip rounded to a point• Lovable • Family-oriented • A “doer” • Can give orders easily • Domestic • Exaggerates sometimes • Stubborn over little things • Needs people around

 

 

6. Flat top• To the point • High morals • Needs approval • Careful about appearances • Very dependable • Conservative • Quick mind • Loves challenges

 

 

 

7. Flat top concave• Makes a great detective • Makes friends easily • Inquisitive • Adventurous • A ‘prober’• Complex • Exciting

 

 

 

8. Sharp angles both sides• Spiritual • Curious • Seeks attention • Mysterious • Big ego • Faithful • Looks for easy way • Loves life

 

 

 

 

Okay, here a photo of my favorite tube of lipstick. What type personality would you guess I have based on the shapes of my tubes–which, if you notice, all take the same shape. What do you think? What shape is yours, and do you think this chart targets your personality?

Lipsticks and Strong Women–we get along just fine!

****NOTE TO MEN: There is something in this post for you as well. Check out the shape of the lipsticks of the women in your life and it will give you a glimpse of who they are, what they like, and perhaps what they don’t like–and you’ll be way ahead of the other men!

Change The Voices in Your Head. Make Them Like You Instead

Our guest, Karyne Corum encourages women (sisters) to stand by each other and to use their voices to speak out for each other.

“Young women today face some tough challenges.  They are still being bombarded with the age-old stereotypes. Barbie dolls still push abnormal body types, Bratz’s sell girls on excessive adornment with make-up, hair and clothes, and baby dolls that have body functions barely let them be girls before they have to try and be mothers.  The toys we give to little boys emphasize freedom of movement and action, and rarely the more introspective elements of their character.

Girls today also have the looming Facebook, this generation’s version of Big Brother, and all the other electronic media that compels them to crave popularity more than ever.  More and more pressure to look good because it’s going out there for the whole world to see and judge.

So what can these girls do to stand strong and develop self-respect?  They are surrounded by a hyper critical world of peers and media that overshadow their every move with judgment.

Don’t give it, till you get it.  And it is whatever you think it can be.

Love. Respect. Attention.

Don’t sell yourself out to get a man.  Care more about who you will be tomorrow than who you can be in the moment.  Find, treasure and keep some good friends, a thousand on Facebook does not come close to one true and loyal real friend.

Don’t back down, ever. If it feels wrong, or looks wrong, it is wrong.  Your gut instinct is the best friend you will ever have.  Confront a put down or sexist remark, not with vulgarity or what you think a guy might say, but with the force of your own intelligence and power.  The first time will suck, you will feel awkward or even silly, especially if no other girl supports you.  This time.  But the next time it will feel a little better, and come more easily, and I promise you, eventually another girl will back you up.  I remember in a bar one night, my friend who came with me, had a guy who wanted to drive her home. A guy I didn’t know and  I didn’t trust.  I said, no. She came with me, she goes home with me.  He was furious and ranted at me for like ten minutes, said some nasty things, but even as I was shaking inside, and my friend said nothing to support me, I stood my ground.  Later, she thanked me, said she was sorry she didn’t speak up.  The next time we faced a situation in a bar, she had my back, all the way.

I’m heartsick over the stories I read, even after tragedies like Natalie Holloway and others, about girls who trust the guy because he looks good.  Girls and women get abused and even murdered every day because they don’t know how to love and protect themselves more than wanting the translucent high of a man’s temporary attention.

If you see a girl standing up for herself, give her some support. Sisters stand by sisters. No matter what, no matter how hard, and here’s the really tough part, no matter how unpopular it may make you.

I mentioned above about craving popularity and I used the word crave with a purpose.  Popularity is a drug, and the more you get, the more you want.  But like any other addiction, it will leave you empty, hollow and strung out.  Treat it like the nasty habit it is and quit.  Hard?  Sure is.  But will it save your life?  Absolutely.

It takes nothing to slip into the crowd and become as weak and spineless as they are.  It takes strength to stand aside and be your own force.  But the more you use your strength, the stronger you become.  I was wrong when I said I didn’t know if you were born with strength or not.  I think it’s a part of our DNA, only we decide if it’s a working strand or not.

And like Pink says, “Change the voices in your head, Make them like you instead.”

I used to think I was born in the wrong time, but when I look at my son, already being raised to love and respect strong women, I know I’m right where I’m supposed to be.”

I say, AMEN, me, too!

Please share links to this post with every young woman or girl you know, encourage them to change the voices in their heads that say they are not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough.

 

 

 

“YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHING YET”

Official Launch Date: Wednesday, May 11, 2011

We’re getting right down to the nitty-gritty of being a strong woman. Who is she? What is she? How does she get there? What set her on that path? Who/what helped? When?

Hint of what’s coming…….

Strong Women emerge at different stages and ages, often because we don’t know any other way to get there. We will talk about the crossroads a woman gets to where she says, “I’m not gonna take this @##$%% anymore.”

Questions we will chat about are how does one become a strong woman (assuming you are female!)

And,  related to that, we will look at the stages a young (and sometimes not so young) woman must often go through that are counter-productive, and then look at ways to teach her how to stand strong in her own power and stay true to herself.

Our categories are:

The Princess

 

The Princess is the girl/woman who thinks the world revolves around her and her needs. Who thinks the world beats a path to her door bearing a tiara and kingdom.

 

The Bully

 

The Bully is the girl/woman who covers her own lack of self-confidence by belittling/intimidating someone else.

 

 

 

Mean Girl

 

 

 

Mean Girl is the girl/woman who runs amuck over others to get her own way, to build herself up by  belittling/ putting down others.

 


 

The Gossip (others wise known as “a biddy”cares not whether the tale she shares is true or not, or the damage it does to the victim. She delights in creating chaos in an organization

The Bioch

The Bioch Oh don’t we all know what this is……..and know one. Perhaps we ourselves have climbed on that ladder at one time or the other. Those who are, often brag about it. (Hence the license plate.) A bioch is a woman with attitude, who put themselves and their opinions above all else. A woman who has all the answers, and is willing to run roughshod over others.

The Steel Magnolia

 

Steel Magnolias are strong women who like themselves and others. Who stand in their own power without abusing others, or allowing others to abuse them. They know who they are, what they stand for, what they don’t stand for, and what they absolutely won’t stand for.

 

 

 

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